as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
As shirtless as possible
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
