Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i think i have herpe
just one?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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