just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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