Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
this boner is exhausting
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
