I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
