I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
