Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
