My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
