I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
sex in a hospital.. check
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
