the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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