I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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