Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
