Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
