I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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