We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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