There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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