I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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