You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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