i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
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He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
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I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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