So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
