Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Sober January is a disaster.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
