The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
