I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
