Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
