I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
