Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
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