mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
