i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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