If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
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