I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
