Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Randomize
