I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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