he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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