I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
high people should be assigned attendants
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
