NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
