Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
