Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
