I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
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The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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