You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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