your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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