Tell her she can't have a vagina
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
