I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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