I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
