Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
