It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
