Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
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