btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
