it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
