Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
