you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
