How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
if only i could text you this smell
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
