Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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