If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
