I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
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